We decided to end 2019 witnessing the decline of Western Civilization, so lucky for us, CATS was playing at the movies. Why, you may ask? Well we could wake up on January the 1st, to a cat that, well, looked like a cat, and did not have a human face. Already, the day is off to a great start. It can only get better as we go about our day with no human-faced animals.
CATS starts off with a cat, Victoria, being tossed away into an alleyway. And then it begins. The singing. Ten Thousand and One human-cat hybrids descend on this cat and sing about being Jellicle Cats, under a Jellicle Moon, going to a Jellicle Ball, to have a Jellicle Choice, so the chosen Jellicle Cat can go to to live their Jellicle Life…
And that’s about as coherent as the movie will ever get. If you’re confused, then the movie seems to say “good!” And the fever dream is off.
They. Never. Stop. Singing.
Cats arrive and sing a song about their one defining characteristic, and then die.
Ok, so they don’t really die. Instead, a magical cat called Macavity, teleports them away to a boat on the river Thames. It seems as if this cat possessing magical powers, which include teleportation, mind control and being overly naked, is not happy with his life. He wants to be the Jellicle Choice to go to a Jellicle Life to be a Jellicle Cat.. I don’t understand either… So, Jellicle, Jellicle, Jellicle, Jellicle.
Common sense tells us that a movie would need dialogue to progress the story line. But CATS believes that dialogue is the crutch of the common man. Songs go into songs, go into songs, go into songs. I can count the lines of actual, real, dialogue on my fingers.
But that’s not the worst part. The worst part about this movie, you see, dear reader, is that the cats have human faces, and act like very sensual cats. It’s so very odd to watch. They are on the verge of making out at any moment, a moment we never witness, thankfully. In addition to this the mice have children’s faces and are forced to dance. At one point a mouse screams and runs for its life while urging others to do the same. That may sound OK, but remember, this mouse has the face and voice of a child! Then the cockroaches all share the face of a woman who looks terrified for the 3 seconds she is on screen.
Some cats wear pants, some cats wear hats, some cats wear coats, Taylor Swift’s cat wears high heels. No matter the state of dress, they remain so extremely naked. Fat Amy’s cat is constantly unzipping her cat skin to reveal a complete bedazzled outfit underneath, while remaining 110% a cat. Jason Derulo’s cat drops his fur coat and gives a hip thrust that made the kids behind us get up and leave. Imagine furry Ken dolls, looking as if they are on the verge of an orgy, singing at you about Jellicle this and Jellicle that.. That is not as bad as actually experiencing this ‘movie.’
At one point in the movie, after a song that seemed to wrap up the plot, I uttered to myself “Oh gosh, please be over.” Alas, it was not, and we ‘enjoyed’ another 30 minutes of these cat-monsters singing at us.
All we took away from this moment was that cats are not dogs. A fact I am eternally grateful for.
Overall, I rate this 10 Jellicle Cats out of 3 Jellicle Balls under 5 Jellicle Moons. And my rating still makes more sense than this acid trip of a movie.
