The morn of the 13th was greeted by myself and my friend Rebekah, sitting on the couch, drinking tea at the horrendous hour of before-5-am. What nonsense was this? Don’t ask me, because to be up at what is still practically yesterday, I must be insane. We sat, tea in hand, phone in the other. Our hashtags were ready. Our eyes transfixed at the moving picture box. What would cause such madness? And on a Wednesday as well. Well, I assure you, for whats its worth, that, no, we were not insane. See, I say were, for an entire day has passed, and I do not know of what mental state Rebekah is in currently. For myself? I am not crazy, but the aliens are coming! So what of the events that lead to this? What would cause two seemingly sane people to get together at this hour for a social engagement? Some of you may already know, if you follow me on Twitter… But for all 2 people that do not, let me recount the story.
We open to a scene 10 years ago. The man who is credited as single-handily saving Apple from financial ruin and obscurity, and of course from accepting quite a few million of dollars from Microsoft, stood on a stage and wowed the world with what was then a device straight from the future. He lifted this device aloft and crowned it iPhone and many who were there say they saw the heavens open and angels literally descend and personally hand him this device. Some say it was the dark arts that gifted him this treasure to subdue all men. Others say that due to all the hyperventilating in such a small area, no wonder people were hallucinating. Aloft he held it, angels did sing, nerds did pass out and the world was enamored. And has been ever since. If your diabolical plan was to subdue the future generations for years to come, to render society pacified, your plan will include “Step One: Develop an app for iPhone”. Alas, that is another rant. Onwards!
On this day, we are thrust 10 years into the future, and, although not as revered as Steve, another man is lifting aloft a new device also christened with the name iPhone. But this device is a far throw from the first device to bare its name. It is a device encased in glass, OLED pixels dancing for our amusement, and almost no buttons. Which is one less than its name sake. Aloft he held it, to many “ooo’s” and “ahhh’s” from the captivated crowd. The people blinded by the new and shiny.
Enter the heroes. Sitting on the couch, drinking tea, phones in hand. We are ready. Hashtags be our swords, snark be our strategy, entertain Twitter be our goal. Again and again, men bounded onto the stage, slick salesmen, saying words with the aim to entice the hard earned money from the hands of the blinded masses. Again and again we responded with take down tweets of their arguments. Defeated, they left the stage to be replaced by a stronger foe. On and on it went, this battle of wits. What we believed to be the first enemy that we defeated, turned out to be the final boss. His name be Tim, and he was the first one we came up against. Our snark so strong we believed him gone. But, in a twist no one saw coming, he reappeared. This time, with his secret weapon.
Aloft he held it. iPhone Ten. The words he spoke said “Ten”, the words on the wall said “X”. It was a good strategy, for our guard was thrown off. At our weakest, he hit out with a final blow. His end game. His final move. If this be a fighting game, this would be his insta-win. We tried. Dear reader, we looked away, we used Twitter as our shield, we summoned snark from where no snark hath come from before. But alas, it was all in vain. For the great sourcerer Tim did conjure up the mythical Apple Advert. Those that have survived this great attack have come away with iPhone in hand, and bank account empty. People have tried to resist. People have gone onto the streets, torn their robes, put ash on their heads and wept. Those people are now wearing suits with beards and doing work on their Macs.
In an instant, we knew of our (my) fate. But the attacks kept coming. Glass back. The phone fell from my hand, Twitter forgotten. Edge-to-edge screen. My tea became obsolete. Wireless charging. My jaw slackened. This is how it ends. We fought hard. We should be proud of our efforts.
And so our tale ends. Brave warriors as we were. Defeated by the conglomerate of a multinational with endless resources. So raise your ale tonight, as you remember us.
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This is a long and round about way of saying that we woke up (stayed up) to live tweet the Apple 2017 iPhone event. And I am now getting an iPhone X. Why am I moving on from Windows Phone? Well, dear reader, that will come in another post soon enough.
Categories: Blog
